Since starting my social media channels—with the goal of finding faith-promoting approaches to LGBTQ issues—I’ve heard from a lot of parents.
These parents almost always have a child who experiences same-sex attraction, identifies as gay, or is struggling with feelings of gender incongruence. I’ve recognized a pattern in these parents I wanted to explore more deeply today: They’re universally terrified about being shamed for trying to minister to their child in a way that prioritizes faith and discipleship over self-expression.
This comes from the transcript of the video. You can also watch it on YouTube.
So many of these parents have reached out to me, sharing these often intimate details. They see my online content that deals with my experience with SSA and my efforts to live the gospel, and I’m always honored that they trust me enough to share this information. Still, I always feel inadequate, given that our oldest is only 3 years old. I’ve done my best to share what advice and hope I can offer, but I never feel qualified to offer the support they need. And that’s the thing. These parents are starved for support, often floundering to figure out how to love and minister to their child without pushing them away or enabling a transition out of the church.
In today’s political climate, if your child starts identifying as gay, transgender, nonbinary, or something similar, some see it as hateful and wrong to worry about the spiritual safety of your child. Or to mourn the potential loss of the life you hoped your child would have. Anything short of affirming and celebrating your child’s decision to wander off the covenant path is seen as unloving or even cruel.
I’ve personally experienced the wrestle of same-sex attraction in a faith context, and while my experience isn’t universal, I think shaming parents for wanting the covenant path for their child is so wrongheaded. I’m not saying we should respond in horror and fear if our child opens up to us in this way, but any loving parent worries after their child. They take seriously the forces intent on destroying their child. And unfortunately, while there can be a lot of growth and beauty in the experience of same-sex attraction in a faith context, there is also a lot of muck to wade through to get there.
When I opened up about my same-sex attraction to a few close family members and friends, I made it clear that leaving the church wasn’t on my radar. Still, I know they all, especially my mom and dad, worried after me the way a Latter-day Saint parent should. They weren’t driven by fear, and they didn’t berate me with their concerns. But their instincts to keep me rooted in righteousness and truth were apparent, particularly in their examples.
If you’re a Latter-day Saint, and your child or loved one is struggling to understand their identity or is wandering onto what we could call “strange paths,” it’s okay to grieve that. It’s okay to worry about the effect a same-sex relationship would have on your child. Or even the temptation to have one. It’s okay to hurt if your child doesn’t accept their biological sex and wants to experiment with other options. In fact, I think it’s a moral good to worry about your child in this way and to do everything in your power to help them stay the course.
Why do I say it’s okay to grieve this? Let’s uncover what you’re actually grieving when your child wrestles with these feelings.
But first, let’s look at what the world would say we’re grieving.
There’s a common media trope in movies and television that goes something like this:
A religious couple has a wayward child. This wayward child announces to his parents one day that he’s gay, transgender, or something in that world. One of the parents, usually the overbearing dad, lashes out in anger and kicks the child out of their house.
I’m sure we’ve all seen some variation of this trope played out in a show we were watching. The problem with this trope isn’t that this sort of thing never happens—to some extent—in real-life situations. The problem is the lack of nuance they usually have, and how callously the parents are usually portrayed. Typically, the only redeeming moment for the parents comes if and when they eventually come around and forsake their beliefs in order to mend the relationship with their child. Until that moment comes, the parents are the irredeemable villains, fueled by fear and maybe even hatred toward their child. Again, this isn’t to say there aren’t cruel, religious parents who kick their child out of their house for no good reason. This trope is a reflection of real-life scenarios. But I think more often, it’s an exaggerated caricature. It’s also a good case study for how poorly those immersed in mainstream culture tend to interpret traditional, Christian beliefs, let alone Latter-day Saint doctrine.
Say you’re a typical American, and you come across a scenario on social media where a pair of Latter-day Saint parents are struggling to reconcile their child’s wrestle with same-sex attraction. Witnessing this scenario from more of a bird’s eye view, you might be quick to interpret the situation in the same light as this media trope. You might assume the parents are actually beginning to despise their child. You might remove all the nuance of human relationships and start to view the parents as an exaggerated, villainous version of who they really are, based on a similar dynamic you’ve seen play out in your favorite TV show.
Many in mainstream culture, including many who write the content we watch, don’t seem to understand what religious people are grieving when their child comes out as gay or believes they’re transgender. The assumption is that they’re grieving the loss of who they thought their child was, and they’re doing so in a way that lets some kind of hatred replace their love. The word homophobia is often used to describe that phenomenon. Barring the extreme cases, what Latter-day Saint parents are actually grieving is the loss of spiritual safety they assumed their child was in. They grieve the difficult road ahead of their child that includes reconciling same-sex attraction or identity concerns with their faith in God, or a life outside the safety of the covenant path.
Whether these media tropes have caused this lack of understanding, or whether they’re just evidence of it, some view Latter-day Saint parents as a villainous caricature of who they actually are. I think the prevalence of this caricature is one of the reasons Latter-day Saint parents in this situation often feel so overwhelmed and powerless to help their child. Unfortunately, the culture of activism around these issues often shames or even blackmails parents into submission. Parents may worry about how others will perceive them if they encourage their child to keep their covenants. They may wonder if it’s actually wrong to urge their child to stay the course. Modern voices relentlessly push the message that the only way gay or gender dysphoric teens can be happy is if they pursue the life course typically associated with same-sex attraction or gender confusion. After being inundated with that message so often and from all directions, it’s understandable to wonder if they’re actually right.
But are they right?
The scriptures tell us that Christ was called to earth to “save his people from their sins” (Matt 1:21). Presumably, this was one of the big reasons he spent time with sinners. He did not hate people, but he seemed to have a great deal of disdain for sin. He fought against the influence of sin because of its capacity to destroy us and make us miserable.
The negative effect certain sins have on us is widely agreed upon, such as the more extreme examples like murder and adultery. Aside from being evil because they harm others, they’re also evil because they harm the soul of the one who sins. But other sins, that also can damage our souls, aren’t as universally accepted as sin. In fact, it’s growing less and less politically correct to call some sins sins. The most obvious example of this is same-sex unions. Now, I’m not comparing the severity of different sins here, but just pointing out that even within the church, it’s becoming more taboo to call same-sex unions sinful. And one can understand the logic behind why that is.
Sins like adultery have an immediate, obvious, and easily identified harm. That being the heartbreak of the one who was cheated on. This obvious harm is easy to pinpoint. So, it’s more universally accepted as a sin in religious circles and a moral wrong in more secular circles. Same-sex relationships, on the other hand, don’t typically have an immediate, obvious, and easily identified harm. In fact, more often than not, they seem to have a net positive effect on everyone involved. At least in the short term. We all yearn for romantic connection. We all want to love and be loved. When someone we love enters a same-sex relationship, and they seem to be thriving in it, it’s understandable if our reaction is to affirm, support, and cheer on that relationship. But why is that reaction wrong?
Sin—in all forms and levels of severity—is damaging to our souls. It’s damaging because it disrupts our eternal progression. When we rebel against God’s commandments, we end up going on detours off the path that’s designed to give us “all that the Father hath.” God will love us through all of our detours. He also has the ability to transform our detours into meaningful lessons for growth. But there’s a difference between learning from mistakes and carving out a comfortable place for our mistakes to stick around. The fact that we can learn from our mistakes doesn’t mean we should’ve made them in the first place. We may not recognize the negative effects a same-sex relationship will have on someone’s soul, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t there. I think if we had the eternal hindsight that we’ll eventually get, we would find ourselves eagerly running away from anything that inevitably drives a wedge between us and God.
We also learn in scripture that Christ came to “heal the broken hearted.” (Luke 4:18) Squaring same-sex attraction with one’s faith in God is a difficult experience. Like any trial in life, there is a lot of potential for heartache in the experience of same-sex attraction in a religious context. If someone we love is wrestling with this balancing act, we should do our best to understand what they’re experiencing by asking meaningful questions. We should also be there for them, loving them whether or not they make the choice to stay on the covenant path. Loving someone doesn’t require us to agree with the choices they make. Conversely, someone shouldn’t feel pressured to make the choice we’d want for them in order to earn our love. When someone has a broken heart, that’s when they need love, mercy, and understanding. And so often, this includes those in this wrestle. Christ came to heal the brokenhearted, and we’re supposed to emulate him. If there’s a broken heart in our family or friend circles, we have a responsibility to do all we can to help in that healing process.
Modern culture would say it should be nothing but beautiful and exciting if your child opens up to you about their experience with same-sex attraction. And it is beautiful that your child trusts you enough to confide in you, and their experience with same-sex attraction can be a beautiful part of who they are, but it’s also natural for there to be a component of worry tied to this new development. That worry doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, and that worry doesn’t have to create shame in you or your child. That worry is a normal and natural response to recognizing the difficult road ahead of your child.
Good parents worry about their children. Not in a way that lets fear replace hope and charity, but in a way that takes seriously the forces intent on destroying your child. If your child or loved one opens up in this way, it’s okay to worry. It’s okay to grieve the loss of spiritual safety you may have assumed they were in. In fact, it’s good to worry about your child. That is, as long as you use that worry for good. Instead of succumbing to fear and hopelessness, use that worry how it’s meant to be used—as a warning of potential danger—and sanctify it into a resolve to help your child succeed in life through a covenant relationship with God.
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