Pride Isn’t All Rainbows and Butterflies

When activists are left unchecked by their own

“…It’s time for each side of the LGBTQ debate to stop ignoring the hatred and radicalism within their movements and directly vocalize our disapproval of their actions. ”

Unless you’re a nomadic tribesman traversing the barren dunes of Mongolia, you know that pride month is just around the corner. For many, pride month is a joyous thing—a time to celebrate real (or perceived) oppression from religious and societal norms. It’s a time to decry gender stereotypes, flaunt your sexuality to the masses, and promote a condition-ridden you-do-you moral relativism. And yes, from a less cynical perspective, it’s a time for many to genuinely express love and concern for sexual minorities, who have and continue to experience difficult dynamics with family members and friends and intolerance from religious communities. But for others of us—particularly the religiously orthodox who happen to experience same-sex attraction, identify as gay, or deal with gender incongruence—it’s an anxious time of feeling misunderstood, experiencing hatred, and harboring intolerance from the pride in-group if we dare disassociate from them.

Decrying Deznat

Back when I first became active on LDS-adjacent Twitter, like many, I was introduced to the concept of #Deznat. Initially, I was very much drawn to their advocacy. There were many members of the church who used the hashtag as a rallying point to empower others to defend gospel truths. I never used it myself, but I had a generally favorable view of it. 

The more that time passed, and the more examples of #Deznat users I witnessed, the more I noticed the radical side of it. Many who used it were good at advocating for the truth side of the gospel, but they lacked any ability to extend grace to the other side. What’s worse, some began using the hashtag as a way to spread legitimately immoral material—hate, racism, and actual, tangible discrimination. Recognizing this, I began speaking out against the hashtag. I questioned the utility of having an additional rallying point beyond church-sanctioned hashtags and campaigns. I called out specific instances of nastiness from members of the church who engaged with the hashtag. I urged orthodox members of the church to distance themselves from it and exist on a higher plane of communication, as I attempted to do the same. 

In the past couple of years, the hashtag has grown less common. There are still those who use it, but it’s much more on the fringes than it was before—at least in traditional, orthodox Latter-day Saint circles. I’m not about to claim that I had some significant effect on that, but I can at least say I lived up to my morals in that regard. I held, and continue to hold, those on “my side” accountable when they go too far. Unfortunately, many on the more progressive, LGBTQ, or ally side of the debate seem completely unwilling to do the same.

The Inherent Radicalism of Pride

People with all levels of radicalism, intentions, and cognizance engage with the pride movement; however, it’s clear the most radical coalition of activists has the strongest hold on the movement. It’s this specific group to which I’ll now shift my attention.

Drag events permeate pride celebrations; the loudest, most extreme demands get the most traction; and anti-religious sentiment is rampant. What’s worse, there is no other group in our world’s history that is more immune and protected from any amount of criticism, even constructive and genuine. Yes, they hear our critiques; yes, sometimes our critiques are unfounded, unproductive, and exaggerated. But no other group has at their disposal such an impassioned, loyal army of empowered activists, ready to mobilize against even the most benign disagreements—attempting to shield them from those critiques. It’s not just that they feel empowered to be nasty; at the extreme margins of any ideological group, you’ll find empowered trolls. Instead, it’s empowerment paired with a complete unwillingness from those on their side to hold them accountable. There’s a specific cohort of the movement who act as an untamed, flailing creature with minimal checks and balances.

I recently posted on our Instagram and Facebook the following on a text graphic: 

“The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the safest place for those with an LGBTQ experience (and everyone else).” 

In my caption, I qualified my claim with an exploration of the chain of logic in our belief system. Essentially, if we truly believe in the plan of salvation, it’s morally and logically consistent to gracefully champion that path for everyone. 

It has been a while since a post of ours has gotten so much fire. A screenshot of it ended up on the r/exmormon subreddit, which activated the aforementioned impassioned group of activists against the post. The critiques were broad at first glance, but they all had the same essential message: the church may work for you, but it doesn’t work for everyone. And of course, mixed in with the genuine critiques were your typical mosaic of character attacks, name-calling, and even threats.

Missing from the vast majority of the comments was any attempt to grant me my humanity, share a constructive dialogue, or understand the chain of logic in our caption. Those who were genuine had some version of the argument I noted above—a point I can understand in principle, but one that doesn’t make sense in the moral framework of the restored gospel. What really concerned me is the most extreme examples came from cultural leaders in the ex-LDS LGBTQ world. One of them assured me that I have “blood on my hands” for expressing my religious beliefs.

I’m not unfamiliar with this impassioned mob of people, but it’s always jarring to experience such direct, pointed backlash, especially when you’re not expecting it. I’ve posted many other things I would classify as more “controversial”, and I always brace for impact after posting them. But it seems to always be the more benign posts that get the most attention. And not only was this post benign, but it was also one of the most basic, fundamental beliefs we have as members of the church. 

Our belief in a loving God with a perfect plan and objective moral standards is as fundamental of a belief as they come. I wasn’t out there calling for collective action against LGBTQ people; I wasn’t spouting some off-the-wall, obscure doctrine; I wasn’t even critiquing the LGBTQ movement or people in any way; I was simply voicing the obvious and foundational belief that Christ’s outstretched arms are reaching toward everyone. His invitation to follow Him applies to all, regardless of their situation. There are nuances in how we can help others follow Christ, and there are appropriate times and situations to advocate for such. But recognizing there are nuances is different from avoiding gospel advocacy altogether. 

It’s a sobering reality that many of the root beliefs we’d view as innocuous are now seen as radical by many. We have to somehow learn to show kindness where we can, even as many shout us down as bigoted. We have to find the balance of being perfectly unwilling to deviate from divine truth while also offering the benefit of the doubt and courtesy to those who see things differently.

This specific coalition represents the radical side of the LGBTQ movement whose unrealistic demands come as a condition to their civility. In our us-vs-them world, it’s understandable they’d get to such an impassioned place. This topic is as emotionally-charged as they come, and there are many cultural figures who capitalize on and use hatred to garner views and sell ad spots. Still, this doesn’t excuse the behavior, and it doesn’t make the attempts to justify or ignore the behavior any less harmful to everyone involved.

The Radical Cohort

I’m not a stranger to the exclusionary tendencies of the more radical side of pride. Because I remain in the church and advocate for others to do the same, I’m seen as an ideological traitor by many in the LGBTQ movement. They actively attempt to discount my experience as someone with same-sex attraction, because my happiness stands as a threat to their movement. If I’m happy, many of their claims about the nature of sexuality and life fulfillment are threatened. Meaning, any reality besides the fact that I’m gay and also genuinely happy in the church and my marriage is easier to accept.

Many of them take issue with my use of the term “gay” because I’m in a mixed-orientation marriage. Some doubt my claims entirely and assure me I’m actually bisexual. Others say I’m motivated purely out of a need for attention, reveling in my status as a “poster child” for other gay Latter-day Saints. Just this week, I’ve experienced some variation of all of these claims.

In all of these claims, they enact the very tactics they decry from our side. They assume my experience, my motivations, and my authenticity. They denounce hatred and intolerance and then call me names. I’m happy to engage with civil, productive, and even impassioned disagreements, but that’s not what happened here. Instead of a “whose idea is better” conversation, it turned to a “who cares the most” conversation—and, of course, the answer was always themselves.

I don’t say this to peddle more division or hatred. Being honest about your experience is hard to balance with lending grace to those who tend to deride you. I don’t see the pride movement as a monolith, and those who engage with it shouldn’t be treated as such. Many good and decent people engage with the movement, and it’s to them that I urge the following.

Hold Your Own Accountable

If you find yourself belonging to a group of people who fight so passionately to stop conversations across the aisle in their tracks, it’s time to recenter the goals of the group or reevaluate your engagement with them. No healthy debate comes out of shutting down your opponent. Character attacks and power plays will never foster positive change.

There are many reasons people excuse this type of behavior from this specific group of people. LGBTQ allies in and out of the church feel LGBTQ people deal with enough already, so it’d be unkind to hold them accountable. The politically unengaged worry about the backlash of participating in a political fight. The more radical activists view any sort of accountability as homophobic, hateful, and intolerant. Whatever the case, every group needs accountability both from the outside and inside. The accountability should be firm but also constructive and kind. Nothing good comes from ideologically isolated, unchecked groups.

God follows the pattern of “chastening” those whom He loves. We obviously aren’t God, but we can follow His example of holding us accountable out of love and concern for our souls. We can use the spirit of discernment and common sense to find the appropriate time, manner, and tone to use while doing so, but loving someone means lovingly pointing them toward paths that will lead to both their temporal and spiritual safety.

I am perfectly willing to engage with individuals and not judge their hearts based on the political or social movements they choose to engage with. As mentioned earlier, I spend much of my time urging those on my side of this ideological debate to maintain civility in their candor. This is my call for those in progressive, LGBTQ-LDS adjacent circles to do the same.

It’s time to hold your own accountable. It’s time for you to stop ignoring the hatred and radicalism within your movement and directly vocalize your disapproval of their actions. It’s time for us all to do our part to promote civility in our interactions with each other. We all want what’s best for those in the LGBTQ community and other vulnerable groups. Just because we see different ways of reaching that goal, that doesn’t mean either of us has monopolies on empathy or good solutions.

It’s time for progressives within and outside the church to hold their activist wing to the same standards they hold ours. It’s time for orthodox members to likewise uphold our standards of decency and decorum. We can acknowledge each other’s humanity, give the other side the benefit of the doubt, and all do our part to fight against the toxicity in our culture.