The Latter-day Question of Gay Dating

A disconnect from pulpit to pew

It’s rare that a month goes by without a variation of the following message appearing in my inbox:

“We’re members of the church, and my son recently came out to us as gay. We are doing our best to love and help him seek Christ, but so many church members are openly justifying gay relationships. Am I crazy for wanting to uphold the doctrine? Am I the only one unwilling to justify sin? My son is such a great kid, but it’s so confusing for him to navigate his feelings with so many church members and influencers openly rebelling against the commandments. How can I help him stay rooted in his faith?”

Same-sex attraction isn’t a new phenomenon, but the abundance of Latter-day Saints willing to justify or even celebrate same-sex, romantic behavior certainly is. It’s a group with a lot of influence. The vast majority of them are kind, compassionate individuals with pure intentions. Still, their beliefs are unorthodox, and the impact they have on the body of the church has taken a lot of Latter-day Saints—especially parents—by surprise.

Within the past few months, the topic of same-sex dating has entered LDS online discourse with newfound fervor. Many Saints—myself included—have wrongly assumed everyone answered the question, “Is gay dating okay for an active Latter-day Saint?” with an obvious and resounding “Of course not.” Along with a majority of church members, I assumed this was a cut-and-dry doctrinal question with little room for interpretation. As you may know, I was wrong in that assumption.

In researching the question above, I found the answer to be relatively accessible, but the process of getting the answer isn’t as one-dimensional as you might think. At first glance, church resources appear relatively withholding on the specific question of gay dating, which has led many to wonder if it’s a sin at all.

So, I guess we should ask: is dating a member of the same sex a sin? How can we know? What can we find in modern revelation that shines a light on this issue? If it is a sin, why are so many saying otherwise? And finally, how can we move forward as this issue threatens to divide us?

The Claims

There is plenty of variation in where more heterodox Latter-day Saints draw the line with same-sex intimacy. Some draw the line at anything beyond platonic affection, others at sexual intimacy, while others maintain there is no line—as long as they follow God’s other standards of chastity. 

Much of the latter belief hinges on the fact that prophets or apostles haven’t done much to address the question of gay dating directly. At the very least, they haven’t been as forthright or specific with this topic as you might expect. In my estimation, and in a certain sense, this is actually quite true. I, myself, was shocked to see how infrequently this conversation has come up. That was, at least, until I recognized a linguistic shift that may be responsible for much of the confusion.

LGBT+ activism has more quickly made inroads into modern culture, including religion, than arguably any other social movement. Particularly within the last decade—and as homosexuality has become more broadly accepted—the language surrounding homosexual relationships has shifted dramatically. You’d be hard-pressed to find a mid-century Christian referring to same-sex, romantic behavior as “gay dating” or even “same-sex dating.” 

The specific words and phrases we use often communicate more than we realize. They are symbols we can use to signal allegiance to our chosen ilk. Using the term “dating” to describe same-sex, romantic behavior implicitly legitimizes same-sex, romantic relationships. As such, among church leaders and Christianity more broadly, we typically find language similar to “same-sex, romantic behavior” to describe what many today would just call “gay dating.” One could analyze the many pros and cons of linguistic shifts like this forever, but the fact remains that the specific phrase “gay dating” won’t yield any search results from the archives on ChurchofJesusChrist.org.

The difference in how church leaders and LGBT+ individuals describe the same phenomenon could be responsible for much of the confusion surrounding gay dating in the church. Instead of a clear understanding that it’s immoral, we have church leaders who likely feel they’ve put a period on that sentence, while LGBT+ individuals and activists point out the discrepancy and sneak doubt into the equation, insisting there is room for interpretation.

Having this understanding helped me more fully research the question of gay dating. While I couldn’t find any church resources or comments from church leaders referencing “gay dating,” there are many who call “homosexual behavior” immoral. Given the generally understood, intimate purpose of dating, it’s safe to replace “homosexual behavior” with “gay dating” in our minds.

The very label of “dating” connotes an environment where romantic exploration will inevitably occur. If romantic expression is absent, it could more accurately be described as merely a friendship. Romantic behavior begets more intimate romantic behavior, and as hard as it may be for some to grasp, same-sex, romantic behavior is inconsistent with a covenant life.

For specific examples, you can look to things like this comment about the eternal nature of the family outlined in the family proclamation, this New Era article that lists “homosexual behavior” as contrary to God’s commandments, the missionary Chastity pamphlet that warns against “homosexual or lesbian acts or other immoral activities,” the general handbook that warns against “pursu[ing] or act[ing] on [same-sex attraction]” or a first presidency letter referenced here and that lists “any homosexual behavior” as immoral.

Still, with how fundamental the nuclear family is to the plan of salvation—and how much confusion there is on the topic of gay dating—some argue we would benefit from more specificity on this issue.

So, then the question becomes: by avoiding more specificity than what we already have, are our prophets trying to infer that God does sanction same-sex unions? Is God trying to convey that message to us through His prophets, but they’re standing in His way? Do we as members of the church have a role to play in pressuring doctrinal change? Or, are our prophets following the pattern, set by Deity, not to “command in all things?” Are they being relatively clear in expressing the general principles, but we’re willfully or ignorantly misunderstanding terms and definitions?

Checklist or Changed Heart

It can be tempting to define “sin” as anything that explicitly disqualifies you from worthily entering the temple. While remaining temple worthy is vital to our spiritual health, we’d lose out on much if we used a superficial interpretation of the more explicit language of the temple interview questions as our sole rubric.

While remaining temple worthy in a surface-level, on-paper sort of way, one could justify plenty of unhealthy behaviors without turning any auxiliary leader’s heads. While healthy eating is technically part of the Word of Wisdom, it’s often overlooked, and we could easily justify excessive overeating. While being honest in all our dealings is technically a question on the temple recommend interview, we could easily justify some mild cheating on our college exam because the professor was too strict. The self-accountability baked into our worship can empower us to choose God, or it can enable us to checklist our way to a cheap approximation of true discipleship. 

Besides God, we are the only ones who truly know whether or not we are temple worthy. And while I’m not arguing that overeaters or college exam cheaters should give up their temple recommends, at the very least they’re engaging in behavior that is limiting their ability to thrive. If I were a compulsive, unrepentant cheater or serial glutton, I’d certainly feel unworthy and called to do better. I’d feel compelled to give up the bad habit that was threatening to veer me in an unhealthy direction—spiritually or physically.

Our worthiness before God isn’t determined by fulfilling a checklist we’re continuously auditing for simplicity; instead, our worthiness relies largely on our attitude and trajectory. There are some hard lines, but true worthiness results from a daily effort to understand our Savior’s character and become more like him. In other words, God requires a “broken heart and a contrite spirit.”

It’s the difference between studying for a test by referencing only the study guide versus a deep dive into the source material. You may do fine on the test, but you miss out on the whole point of the test—to expand your knowledge and improve your life. Instead of deeply learning the content and improving yourself, you simply learn how to fly under the teacher’s radar and pass the test on paper. Only in this case, the test is flawless, designed by a loving, omniscient teacher who can’t be bested.

This leaves gay/SSA Latter-Day Saints who have the desire to live the gospel with a few options: we can choose to see how close to the line we can venture; we can see how many times we can cross the line before we can no longer justify it; or, we can seek to identify the clear boundaries of the line and do everything in our power to stay as far from it as we can manage.  

Moving Forward with Differences

A few short years ago, the experience of Latter-day Saints with same-sex attraction was largely ignored. These days, it’s safe to say there is no shortage of resources and stories from church members who identify as LGBT+ or same-sex attracted. A lot of good has come out of that shift. We are more empathetic to different life experiences, and we are better equipped to be sensitive to the unique needs of these members. 

As with most cultural corrections, however, some insist on swinging the pendulum too far in the other direction. Unbridling their empathy from traditional morals, some Latter-day Saints champion gay relationships as their way of answering Elder Ballard’s call to “listen to and understand what our LGBT brothers and sisters are feeling and experiencing.” While we all have to make sacrifices to answer the call of discipleship, some think asking gay Latter-day Saints to forego a relationship with one they’re traditionally attracted to is cruel or unnecessary. And in a certain sense, who can blame them? On the surface, what is fair or right about asking Latter-day Saints to make what can feel like such a sacrifice?

The other day, we were struggling to buckle our daughter, Remi, into her car seat. We were slated to go to one of her favorite places: Grandma and Grandpa's house! But she was more sensitive than usual because we only let her bring one Minnie Mouse stuffie, rather than the vast multitude of Disney character stuffies she wanted to bring. Even though we were trying to keep her safe on the way to one of her very favorite places, she protested. She was upset that we took away something she felt that she needed. As parents, we knew she’d love the promised destination, but because of her limited view, she felt that she knew better. Or at least, she felt the need to protest and make her case to us. We weren’t putting her in the car seat to exercise control over her; we were doing it because we loved her and wanted to keep her safe. But she didn’t see that. She only saw what was right in front of her and struggled to submit to our will.

Likewise, God doesn’t require our sacrifice out of a need to control us. He has a broader picture of the plan and knows best what will keep us safe and bring us joy. He has a full understanding of what unending joy lies in our path, and He knows the safest way of getting us there. We have more agency than a toddler, and God will never force us to make choices that will keep us safe, but we have access to His wisdom and counsel through modern-day prophets. And as one who believes in the validity of their calling, I see no incentive to take their counsel—on this and other issues—with anything but confidence.

Many see it differently. They recognize the undeniable pain same-sex attracted Latter-day Saints face, but in an attempt to alleviate that pain, they turn to the advice of modern influencers instead of modern prophets. While I sympathize with their motives, I mourn the effect their methods have on impressionable minds. I wish I could adequately explain how grateful I am that they worry about church members like me, but how saddened I am that their efforts are having the opposite effect than they intend.

Despite this fundamental difference of beliefs, I still seek to be their friend at church, their loving relative, and their loyal peer. I seek to find mutual respect and love for each other. Most importantly, I pursue the type of friendship where we can look at one another and say, “I respect you, I love you, and I want nothing but happiness for you, but your idea is wrong. And unfortunately, it's making the covenant path more difficult for God’s children.”

Back in 2021, when Elder Holland gave his now controversial talk at BYU, I was disheartened to see how many active, faithful Latter-day Saints were so quick to dogpile on Elder Holland for a misconstrued analogy. Many of them were people I respect and love, but as a result of hyper-fixating on a rather benign figure of speech, we lost the pure message of his talk. 

Many active, faithful Saints have thrown the talk out altogether, because of the “musket fire” language. As a result, we’ve forgotten or despised his call to “be careful that love and empathy do not get interpreted as condoning and advocacy or that orthodoxy and loyalty to principle not be interpreted as unkindness or disloyalty to people.” A dedication to finding this balance is our only hope of moving forward living the commandments of love and law “in a more complete way,” as Elder Oaks put it. 

Walking the line between love, advocacy, and doctrine is one of the greatest challenges of our day. It’s a painfully difficult balance to strike. It often requires self-reflection, the reshaping of relationship boundaries, and plenty of trial and error. My hope is that we won’t give up on our resolve to find this balance just because it’s difficult.

Finding that balance is my biggest goal in my gospel advocacy, and I hope others will join me in that.